Rikku's Tawdry Online Adventures
by Ellone Leonhart-Loire
Summary: Rikku takes a trip to Besaid, feeling unloved. She comes upon a computer and there this twisted tale begins...


When i visited Besaid, I talked to a lot of men on the internet. I wanted very much to feel loved, neded, and wanted. My party wasn't very good at that, it still isn't. So, I looked for it elsewhere: in internet chat rooms to be exact. 

The first man was around 28-30, I met him in Yevon chat. I had stayed up all night watching tv and started to talk to him before the sun even rose. After about two hours of "knowing" eachother I agreed to meet him for a morning swim at a lake somewhere. I figured it was safe because why would a man drive 40 minutes at 5am to pick a girl up to hurt when there's thousands of girls down the street (aren't i bright?). 

Before my parents were even making their first visits to the bathroom I was putting my shoes on to leave the house and jump on his little, red chocobo. My dad could care less what I did, it would have been one less mouth to feed; he didn't want me to go and wasn't amused at all, I ignored his wishes. 

After riding for about half an hour looking for a lake, his hand was on my thighs. For most this would be a warning sign "get the fuck off the chocobo", the warning wasn't clear enough because I either didn't care, liked it, or was just too stupid... I don't know what was wrong with me. 

We ended up going to a park near Lulu's house; Chaska Trail, a nature trail that followed the rainbow falls. It had to of been around 6-7am, no one was around. We went to the river bank to get a nice view of the water, he chased me around a bit; I thought it was just fun and games, apparently it was foreplay to him. 

Eventually, we sat down at a picnic table to watch the falls. By now I was absolutely exhausted, since I hadn't slept in so long, and was practically falling asleep on him. Next thing I knew he was touching and feeling me, I wasn't quite sure what was happening (how stupid). Retardedly, I liked it; A man ten years older than me that I had only known for about five hours was feeling me up, and I liked it, whatever it was... Then, his hands made his way into my pants, I didn't like it anymore.. I was uncomfortable, too tired to keep my eyes open and/or say "no", and I still didn't know what exactly was happening to me. 

My first sexual experience and I can't even remember the guys name.. I can't remember anything about him other than his muddy hands from the river bank, his red chocobo, and his screen name.. 

The second man was around 40, I think. I blocked out so much of this that I can't remember many details. 

I met him in Al Bhed and his name was Seymour. He talked about dark things, demons and such, like he actually knew them and "belonged" to one. He "supposedly" had cancer, or something, and was very ill, but this "demon" of his kept him alive as long as he did what he wanted. Of course, it wasn't all bad because he got things from this "demon". "I" was something this "demon" wanted, or "wanted" for Seymour to have. If I didn't promise to do this Seymour would die. Of course, lonely and love-seeking moron that I was, I bought it, hook line and sinker. I loved being needed that much and the things he talked about interested me.. at first. 

After a couple months of talking to eachother, and some nice gifts to buy me off, I saw him as an easy ticket out of this hell hole called "home", at a "small" price of course. He and his cousin rode out here from Bevelle to take me and my things to come live with them, never to return home, and play "house wife". I had written a "I'm sorry, goodbye" letter for my dad and everything, I was going to leave him in her sleep without even letting her see me one last time. 

Seymour and his cousin were going to come Saturday and leave Monday morning, with me and my things, before anyone was awake to stop me. 

The first night I snuck out of the house and walked to the school playground to meet them. He was older than he said he was, he said he was 30, he was really around 40. We talked a bit and then went back to their hotel room after I felt comfortable. There.. he kissed and made out with me.. my first french kiss was with a 40-year old man that shoved his tongue down my throat until I gagged. He would have done more, I'm sure, if his cousin wasn't expected back soon. I felt like a disgusting, dried up whore, yet I still stayed the night there only to rush home before anyone noticed I was gone. 

I felt horrible. I love my father, he means so much to me, even though we don't really communicate much. For some reason though, I still wanted to leave her, never to see her again. I didn't understand, I still don't and I'm ashamed for wanting to leave him and emotionally hurt him for the rest of her life. 

Sometime later, we drove around looking for cash, since they were running low. None of the cash machines worked there, his cousin was furious and made me feel like he thought it was my fault because I made them come out here. I wasn't very comfortable around him anymore, or Seymour for that matter. It was then that I started to rethink this whole situation; I didn't want to leave home anymore, but I was scared to tell them after they drove so far to come get me. 

As a joke, while riding, his cousin suggested just riding home with me on his chocobo, not picking up any of my things. Kidnapping me basically, Seymour thought it was a good idea, I was scared shitless and started to cry a little bit. A chocobo that would have been impossible to get out of from in an emergency. I don't know if they were serious or just joking with me, but after I started to cry they turned the chocobo around and took me home. 

Later on, I called the hotel and told Seymour that I had changed my mind, he sounded heart-broken. Feeling guilty, I agreed to meet with him one last time before they went home (STUPID!). We met at the same playground and talked a bit, then he started acting really strange, like his sickness was acting up because I broke my promise and his "demon" companion wasn't happy. Scared, I helped him walk to the hotel, practially carrying all his weight on one shoulder. 

There, at the hotel, past midnight I think, he started to threaten me; he told me that his "demon" friend was at my house, hurting my party because I broke my promise. I begged and gushed tears, pleading that he make it stop. I was so confused I didn't know what to believe, I was too scared to doubt him and I really believed my party was being massacred because of something I did, or didn't want to do. All I could do is cry.. and then cry some more, trying to talk him into making it stop but he said it wasn't in his power. 

After a while, I think he felt guilty, he said that my party was safe because he convinced the "demon" to not do anything and I could go, but he would die if I didn't. I told him I was going home, I was too scared of him, yet I felt guilty for breaking my promise. I ran about half a mile without stopping, without breathing, just crying, back home to make sure my party was okay. Obviously, to any sane and normal person, they were fine. All I could do is lay in bed, crying and hating myself for letting so much stuff happen to me. I didn't sleep, not until I knew they were out of Besaid. 

There is so much more about this guy and what he did, but I can't remember. As hard as I try, I can't remember. I was so scared for so long I wouldn't even think that "demon's" name, when I did think it all I did was mentally scold myself until I forgot it. About a year or so after I found out that he was looking for me and another girl, that I knew, that he did this to. Luckily, she never met him offline, he only scared her online and in IMs. I was told that he wanted to apologize to me and wanted people to tell him my handle/screenname. Thank God they didn't, and thank God they didn't tell me his. 

Why am I so fucked up? Why do I feel the need to be abused every so often? There is so something not right with me and I can't stand it. I'm no where near as bad as I used to be, thank God, but I'm still not right somehow. 

Somedays, I hate myself so much that I can't sleep, like tonight, all I do is hold Tidus's cock and wish I had the courage to wake up Yuna and tell her these things. I can't, I'm scared, she'd yell at me if I woke her up. She's hard enough to talk to about simple, every day things when she's wide awake, how am I going to tel her this? How am I going to tell her that I wanted to leave her forever without even giving her a proper goodbye... How could she ever forgive me? ..I can't forgive me. 


End file.
